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So here it is, my periodical comments on the state of dating in New York City, or as I like to call it in dating terms, the ninth level of hell...
Something keeps happening over and over again that I thought would end after high school, maybe college the latest. What is it you ask? How about the vicious cycle that is your crush on someone that doesn't want you back, and you don't want to guy/girl that is crushing on you, and all of you keep chasing after most people you can't have, like the dragon chasing the pearl. That happens so often here in New York City that I don't think there are enough lights in the city for heartbreaks. It ridiculous. And I blame it on this statistic I keep hearing that there are more women in NYC than there are men, so it creates this vortex in which men don't have to make any serious commitments because they can have their pick of any woman here, and woman lose out because we are all chasing after the same handful of good catches and everyone is miserable, except for the fleeting moments that the men are getting laid. Well, we women like getting laid too, but I think the guys are getting more notches than we are. But I digress...
So where does this leave us all? Just the fact that people I know have boyfriends/girlfriends and are actually getting married is nothing short of a miracle. Because I know so many, many other lonely people that just can't find not only the right person, but a right person. And no one puts energy into relationships anymore. You get into your first fight? No problem!! The man can just get right back out there no problem. The woman just has her booty calls and tries and tries again.
I fit into this story personally because I am hanging out right now with a nice guy, but there was one I met before him who I just have not been able to get out of my head. And my nice guy loves me, but I can't get the other guy from under my skin!! I have watched my crush flirt with other women and have died over and over wondering why it is he seems to gravitate toward these other women who obviously aren't as dope as I am. He and I have had a few conversations in which I know I have blown his mind a little. His friends have even attested as to how cool I am. I know he's attracted to me, as I am to him, so what's the problem? What is the problem??
I pray that perhaps, by some deep, deep miracle of god, mother nature, the universe and Oprah that maybe he is thinking the same thing that I am, and that is where the disconnect is coming from. Maybe he thinks that I couldn't possibly like him because I am so cool. (Did I mention how cool I am?? *smiling jokingly*) And I sit here thinking that he may like me, but he has hoards of women to choose from and there's always someone out there that has more money, connections, thinner, younger--but not cooler!! So perhaps if, just like in high school, one of his friends told me that he digs me and one of my friends told him that I dig him, perhaps we can come together. Who knows....
The title says it all. From last Sunday to yesterday, I have had a weird week...
So it starts out that just after midnight last Sunday morning, the guy I was seeing breaks up with me. I thought I was cool with it as we had only been together a short time and I was thinking that it wasn't going to work out either. He then goes away fro a couple of days to visit family. So the whole time I just can't get it out of my mind that we are broken up. I felt that I didn't even have my say as to why it should end. I then remembered that I still had his key and of course I used that as a way to get face to face with him and get some kind of closure. So I know that he's working Wednesday night at his bar (he too is a bartender like me) and I go in, and he comes out from behind the bar, gives me a hug and a kiss, we look into each others eyes and right then knew that we weren't broken up. It was when he asked me if he should bring me back my toiletries that we both smiled and knew that it wasn't going to happen. And he even mentioned to me that if I hadn't come to see him that night, he was going to come find me the next day and try to talk to me. Funny.
Then I started my new gig at a new bar and the place is beautiful. I get this very strange vibe from the building. As it is a former nineteen thirties speak easy with a tunnel in the basement that runs from it to the precinct that was used during prohibition (which is now sealed up), there is a lot history here. Plus it is just a nice bar on an otherwise weird corner of a weird block in Little Italy. So anyway, this curly haired guy comes in with a few friends, orders a round of drinks with his quaint British accent and I'm looking at him because he looks familiar to me. I knew that I had met him through my guy at his bar and we were introduced before. I don't know why I didn't say anything to him, and I knew that he vaguely recognized me too, but again, nothing was said between us other than drink orders. So then, a couple of days later, my guy and I go to see Squeeze at Radio City Music Hall and it was a pretty good show. But the point to this story is that the nice British guy who sat at my bar turned out to be the lead singer of Squeeze!! I was dumbfounded, especially since I knew I should have been more polite back at the bar and let him know that we had been introduced before. I felt like such an asshole.... But then I felt better dining on lobster and drinking champagne with my guy after the show....
And aside from feeling the magic of the season changing, and the magic of the history of Little Italy, I compulsively felt I had to go visit my guy after work Saturday night....or should I say Sunday morning. I was supposed to go home and get a few things done, but something told me to go to his house, so off to his house I did go. And what do I find when I get there? Well, let me back this up a bit. He came to sit at my bar Saturday night to come say hi and to check in. When he walked in, he said hi and maybe two more words and I knew right then and there he was drunk. I know when he's drunk even if he doesn't say a word. He has this weird look on his face and that's how I know. And again, for some reason, it bothered me that he was drunk. So much so that I mentioned it to my manager just as an innocuous comment. So anyway flash forward, I get onto his apartment and I come to find that he drank more after he left me, and attempted to ride his bike back home and fell. He has a huge road rash on his shoulder, his elbow is swollen and scraped, and he said that he couldn't move his wrist. I immediately cleaned him up the best I could as he was half passed out, then waited until morning to really asses his injury, which turns out he also has a mark on his head from where he hit his head on the ground--but I tell you what, I wouldn't date ANY man that didn't wear a helmet. He swears that he is still alive because of his helmet. Anyway, I contemplated the meaning of my "feeling" to go to him after work only to find him busted up and in need of my help and company. Strange and magical, especially after having broken up earlier in the week that somehow we could be that close. However, I told him that he gets no sympathy from me because riding drunk is stupid and dangerous. I should know.....
Also, I have realised that I can't drink as much as I have been this year as I now work later hours and don't have the time to sit around and get blasted in a bar. Which coincides with my hearkening to stop drinking so that I can ride harder, and ride harder I have done. Like today, I pounded out a quick twenty-five to thirty miles just for good measure, as I was really supposed to go running, but my knees aren't up to par today. I really need to do something about my throbbing knees. I'm hoping just a sorely needed massage will do the trick. But anyway, drinking has gone down, pedal power has gone up, endurance is leveling out and body is in great shape, other than the knees....
What a difference a week makes!!
I'm all pissed off today. My money is nil, I am having "guy friction", my body is beyond tired and I still don't feel that I have the time I need to get things done. But that last thing everyone feels. I never thought I'd say there are not enough hours in the day, but I have been saying it lately. I am scared about that.
And what is the thing I am thinking of doing right now to get the cranky out? Drinking. However, this guy I work with kind of gave me a dissertation on the evils of drinking and what he said was nothing I hadn't heard before. I also pointed out his hypocrisy because he is a smoker. But it wasn't what he said that got to me. It was the fact that he went out of his way to let me know that he didn't think I should be drinking. How sweet is that? I was kind of touched.
But also speaking of being tired, my GOD all the biking I have been doing is draining the very essence of sanity out of me. I started taking these vitamins for the soreness I felt in my knees and they have helped immensely. However, my thighs are sore and I just have that all over body tiredness that no amount of sleep can help. Perhaps a massage. But the problem is that when I try to get a deep tissue massage, no one will do it because I have been told that i haven't been training hard enough for one. But maybe now that has changed, as what i have just described warrants a small Asian woman to put on a pair of soccer cleats and jump up and down on my body. Then rub eucalyptus on my skin. (Sounds like a fetishist fantasy doesn't it??)
Well today is my day off and I am spending it holed up in my room, watching TV and eating Thai food. I need a day like this. And soon when I move into a new apartment, I will have many more days like this. I realised that living at home is what has made me drink a lot more than I should, as I realise that I have a seriously dysfunctional family and I just stay out of the house as much as possible to get away from them. But when I have my own space, oh how glorious it will be. I will be able to get so much done, like more writing, painting, knitting, dinner parties......
Hey!! I feel bad that I have been on hiatus this summer, but hey, it's summer. Plus, I have been putting into action all the things I said I would earlier this year. First off, I quit that job that was killing me (as you already know) but I have to repeat myself as I feel that it was the best decision that I had made all year. Going back and reading my posts earlier this year, my darker posts went beyond my usual seasonal affective disorder, I was depressed about that job. I kept talking about change, and lo and behold, I made that change!! I am so proud of myself, as I often wait for things to happen to me rather than to affect events for myself. I now have gone back to working in restaurants where I can be the social animal that I am. I love meeting people, having a changing schedule and changing faces, and most importantly, a schedule that is not oriented to morning. I get to wake up whenever I feel like it. And now waking up naturally, I realise that I naturally wake up between ten and eleven--a far cry from the six a.m. that I had to force myself to wake up to for the office. And what a difference it makes to be able to work on your own personal circadian cycle...
No longer do I feel so bad about being single. Working in an office, burying your head in a cubicle, you don't get to meet many new people, and that was driving me crazy!! How can one meet new people sitting in a cubicle? So now, I am in the fold in the city, seeing new faces everyday and happy to make new connections. I have already met a ton of new people!!
I have also been furiously riding my bike non-stop. Funny thing, my riding has improved about a thousand percent. Earlier this year, my stress that had made me stop eating for a couple of months had made it so that I had no energy to ride more than from home to work, work to home, and the bar in between. I was sick all the time and feeling lethargic. I even went so far as to think that I wasn't good on uphills and needed some work on it. But really what I needed to do was to eat. And I must say that I have had a very strange experience with this. After not having eaten or having an appetite for months, then to get the appetite back and eat again is a very strange sensation. It's like food is all new all over again!! And I have even been craving a lot of red meat--i.e. beef--and I have answered that call, after not having eaten red meat for years. But I do believe that if your body craves something, you need to eat it. And I think that the starvation depleted my iron, and once I started eating again, my body was like give me iron!! Now, I can handle any hill I come across with power and strength. I swear, it's almost like I have a whole new body. In fact, I have decided to start training for racing again!! I have to find a trainer because I can only train myself so much. I need to kick it up a notch.
I wish I had gotten to the beach more this summer. But riding my bike, I have gotten a tan, so I don't feel like I missed out on any sun. However, I have the craziest tan!! I wear the fingerless gloves when I ride, so I have tanned fingers and wrists, but the hands are not tanned at all. It looks really weird. Then I laid out on my deck a couple of times and got my famous bikini tan lines, but then again, riding in shorts, I have darker calves than I do thighs!! I guess I have what I like to call the "urban tan"...which is crazy lines all over your body, even crazier than a farmer's tan which is very basic. I look like an Easter egg double and triple dipped in different places!! Hahaha!!
I feel like I am in a very different place than I was earlier this year. Light years away in fact. I can't believe how depressed I was, but I have worked hard to get to where I am now and I don't want to look back. Soon I will be moving into my own place, getting my car back from the ex (he has better parking in his neighborhood than I do in mine for the moment), and then, the ONE thing I have been ranting about all year: a vacation. For one, I will be going to St. Croix this January with a very nice gentleman who invited me to go with him. But I feel I also need to take myself somewhere by myself. I want to prove to myself that I did it all on my own and the vacation will be the reward for myself, so that I can sit back and reflect on all that I have done, then look toward the more I have to do.
I am a happy camper at this point....!!!
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